As chairman of the Kitchen Kettle Village Event Planning Committee, I am pleased to report that the Kitchen Kettle Village Annual Rhubarb Festival was a monumental success, contrary to any tabloid slander or eyewitness testimonies.

Yes, those perverts sneaking into the festival was an unforeseen and insalubrious occurrence, a lapse in security on our part. Using the rhubarb-themed cardboard cut-out as a “glory hole” is certainly not something we endorse or even condone. But if you had wandered into the neighboring tent, you would have inhaled the sweet, intoxicating aroma of Mrs. Ellsbury’s first prize rhubarb pie, laid witness to the even coating and golden-brown flakiness of the crust. And though the tent was poorly assembled by the handymen, most of the survivors are recovering admirably and, as of this morning, according to the doctors, several are in stable condition, including Mrs. Ellsbury. These are the “tiny” details that were conspicuously absent from your shameless displays of yellow journalism. Our village is a peaceful one. We care about the health and safety of our residents. That little girl could have contracted E. coli anywhere. You have no proof it was at our festival. Our gourmet meals were prepared by food service professionals. The people who “saw” the cooks neglect to wash their hands after visiting the restroom are, to put it bluntly, lairs. Did any of you pigs or headline whores try the rhubarb pie? Even a small bite? When you’re eating a good piece of rhubarb, the world might as well disappear around you.