For breakfast Bob mixes Raisin Bran and a generic bran cereal. He calls it “Bob Bran” – which sounds deceptively like “Barbara Ann,” his favorite Beach Boys song (and he and his wife’s song, though she wanted to dance to “Total Eclipse of the Heart”). Bob is a leader, not a follower. He invents his own foods: Bob Bran, fettuccine al-Fritos, Doritos taquitos, mac-and-Cheez Whiz. Also, bran keeps Bob regular. Beyond that, there is nothing regular about Bob.
Bob is reading the back of the cereal box, lifting the spoon from the bowl to his mouth. The cereal says the whales are in danger. This is news to Bob. Something about global warming, pollution, hunting – he gets the gist of it. On the box, a blue whale is crying while wearing a funny hat, which makes Bob want to laugh, but he doesn’t because he understands the gravity of the situation. After a while – seven or eight bites – Bob realizes he hasn’t chewed or swallowed anything. He looks down. Where is Bob’s Bob Bran? His wife usually mixes his cereal. She is the only one who can strike the delicate balance between generic and brand bran. Where is Bob’s wife? He looks around the room. Where are Bob’s kids? Why isn’t Bob wearing any pants? Bob hums the chorus of “Barbara Ann”. He imagines the Beach Boys partying on the beach with the whale with the funny hat. They’re all doing the boogie. Then the whale with the funny hat makes a pass at the rhythm guitarist’s girlfriend, so the rhythm guitarist cracks a beer bottle over the whale’s head, wedges a drumstick in its blowhole. Bob stops humming “Barbara Ann”. Bob wonders what he can do for the whale population. How can Bob help? He should investigate possible solutions. But does he have time today? After Bob Bran he was planning on whipping up a plate of Pop-Tarts à la mode and watching the Meerkat Manor marathon on the Animal Planet, at least until dinner. Maybe throw some skittles at the mailman from the upstairs balcony. Bob can move some things around and make room for research. Bob can save the whales. But first, breakfast. Where is Bob’s wife?
